Tonight at bedtime Jarom was being a real stinker. I think he was just overtired and overjoyed about having some energy back since he's starting to feel better. He was making it a point to ignore everything I said and run around like a wild man. When I warned him that he needed to calm down and listen, he started laughing uncontrollably and running away from me. For some crazy reason, I didn't find it as funny as he did. I was exhausted. I totally yelled at him, picked him up and firmly put him in his bed.
He started to cry.
I told him goodnight, closed his door, and went into Makenzie's room.
"Mom," she said, "You don't have to yell at him. Three year olds just act like that."
"I know," I told her, "but he needs to learn that it's not okay to act like that."
She waited a minute and then she said something that has had me thinking all night.
"Kids can't be perfect always."
It's true.
They can't.
I can be pretty hard on my kids sometimes.
I expect a lot out of them.
But do they think I expect them to be perfect?
And not only perfect, but perfect all the time?
Do I?
It's a really hard thing to balance as a parent.
It's my job to teach them. It's my job to set boundaries. It's my job to be consistent.
But is it my job to never cut them some slack?
My kids are amazing and full of energy and we have lots of fun.
But once they do something I don't find acceptable, I'm not just going to sit there and let them do it. I reprimand them.
I will admit, though, some days it feels like the reprimanding outweighs the fun.
And that's where the "kids can't be perfect always" line gets me.
I want them to know their boundaries, but I never want them to feel like they don't measure up.
I try to be careful to make sure they know it's their behavior I don't like, not them.
I try to praise them for their successes and strengths.
And I try to provide them with something to do if bad behavior is stemming from boredom.
But even still, sometimes I feel like I'm just on their backs all day.
Man, being a mom is hard.
5 comments:
ahh I've had those same thought! I hate that I am reprimanding all the time. I am a control freak and I have unrelenting standards so it is so hard to know what I should let go and what I shouldn't. Its not clear to me in my own life :)
Your daughter is wise! I need to ponder on what she said too. Maybe I will get the answer I've been looking for. Thanks for sharing!
Ah I've totally had moments like that. It's so hard to find the right balance because like you said, our kids do need to learn that certain behaviors aren't acceptable, but teaching them that can be exhausting and make you feel like the bad guy all the time. It's hard being the manners police but I think it DOES pay off. I try to have high expectations for my kids like you and for the most part I think they're really well behaved. People never mind watching them because they have good manners and they're sweet. (again, not all the time, by any means! But when they do act up, they get reprimanded) Mackenzie is right, three year olds DO act like that, but if you don't want them to STILL be acting like that when they're 7 and 8 (and believe me, I've seen kids who do) Then you have to correct them now. I think you're a great mom with great kids and I'm sure they'll thank you when they're older for taking the time to teach them those lessons : )
Gosh, I totally agree with you.. just today, the thoughts ran through my head, it's not that hard being a parent, but it IS HARD being a GOOD parent. I can totally relate to you. And Kenzie is so smart! :) Kono often has me stumped too with the things he says to me, it is amazing how he knows those things at such a young age. And sometimes he will just make me laugh, like one time Granite and I were not so thrilled with each other, and I said, that's it, I am through, and Kono said "Come 'on Mom, stick it out!" I was so mad at the time, but after what he said, I could not help but laugh. :P
I'm catching up on your blog right now, I need to work on mine.
I totally get where you're coming from. I deal with these feeling on a daily basis. You do expect a lot from your kids and it is hard to remember that they are just kids. You want them to learn, but you also want them to feel that you love them no matter what they do. I feel guilty all the time when I react angrily toward my kids. I think I still have a lot to learn about patience and teaching my children in a loving yet firm manner.
That is definitely a big source of mommy guilt for me too. I often wonder if I'm too hard on my kids, especially Weston. It's so hard to not expect him to be well behaved all the time. I try to remind myself that he's only 5, but at the same time I don't want to let him think that I don't mean what I say when I ask him to do/not do something. You're right, being a mom is hard. We all just do our best and I'm betting our kids will turn out just fine. :)
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